Disclaimer: I have no idea exactly where this post will end up so I am sorry if it seems to ramble on.
Once upon a time I wrote a paper on suicide for school. I knew all the statistics. Hell I was one of those statistics. (Pills seemed the way to go for me). But thankfully for those around me I didn't hit that line. You know the one where you make the choice to not come back from the void.
We all fight some demons. Some are just a bit stronger than we know.
Depression everyone fights it at some point in time. There are those that can overcome and those who live with it by finding some form of outlet, (I'm not saying every outlet is a good one; believe me when I say that. I will have to one day tell you about my high school years; but that isn't for today.)
But then you have the ones who are sick with outside medical things I.e. Cancer, etc. where their fight is not only against the darkness but against their bodies that have turned into a ticking bombs.
Knowing that their time with us could be cut short no matter what you do.
That has to be the hardest thing to live with.
My father was dealing with the latter of these.
We never ever in a million years thought our lives would be touched by something so utterly devastating as this.
To know that he felt that his world was crashing down around him, and him not reaching out to us is the most painful thing.
To know he got to the point of no return just..... I have no words for it.
I can say all the cliche things like, I should have talken to him more, or did I know something was going on, or I wish I could tell him how much he meant to all of us.
But I can't. I am hurt. I miss him and his stupid arguments, his know it all attitude, his redneck way of talking.
There are just no words to heal the void that is now left.
I will end this here for today cause the water works are starting once again.
But as I leave you today I just want to remind everyone to let those in their lives know how much they mean to you. You never know what hidden things they may be going through.
Be kind and take care of one another.
Much love,
Lana